It’s the journey, right? Right!

Every once in a while I get a message that moves me. The nice compliments are of course great too :) Here’s Kirk’s story:

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Model: Kirk

“Hey Gabi Girl!

It is pretty amazing how lost I was in my long term dog-eat-dog corporate career and a marriage to a functional alcoholic. Fifteen plus years of providing for everyone, but not realizing my own wants and needs. I just could not put my desires to be a “real father” and to contribute to a more “functional” (rather than dysfunctional) family life. I thought maybe I had stayed in my first marriage too long and that I would never realize my dreams. I’ve had to overcome some serious verbal abuse about everything (you name it), including how I did in bed. At 50 years I was wondering… How did I get here? Well, I’m certainly not happy here… Granted, I have baggage too. I wanted to be happy, in love and have a family and not be subservient to someone else’s idea of what her husband should do.”

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Model: Kirk

“Sounds bleak, eh? NOT! I never will forget my 50th birthday… Packed up my personal items and off I went to a funky little above the garage apartment. I then started thinking: was I really “not sexy” as my first wife informed me and bad in the sack? I surmised that there must be many things about the female libido that I do not know and needed to know. Feeling unattractive and unwanted, I searched for “Playgirl” to get more information and opinions from women and found your blog and kept on reading and learning. I read this great book “Because It Feels Good” by Debby Herbenick.”

“Your blog really helped open me back up to my sexuality providing mental medicine for my tattered soul. I stayed positive and kept moving forward. Speed dating was fun! Yoga was/is essential. I went back to my athletic roots and dropped 25 pounds. I then decided “What the hell” and did a “dudoir” shoot with this great woman photographer. It’s the journey right? I liberated my life and I never gave up.”

“That’s my story and I’m sticking with it! Thanks for all thoughts and ideas. What you are doing matters. You are a wonderful writer!”

Oh Brave New Sexy(less) World

Sometimes, on rainy days like today, I wonder where we are all going – sexually that is.

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Sometimes, on the rare occasion I feel lustful and am too lazy to think up a story in my mind to get me off, I do what many of us do: watch something naughty on the internet. It does the trick fast and effectively, like fast food. After this quick release my mind returns and starts pondering. I re-watch the video and I think my usual thought: man, this is so fucking boring. It’s the same repertoire, it’s mechanical and it’s fast. People speedfucking without any sign that any one of them is truthfully enjoying it. I know I can choose to watch something else, like feminist porn or the newest trend: slow porn. Feminist porn is not my cup of tea; most of the time it’s too lesbian or simply too distractive with all the artsy elements that are supposed to make us believe we are watching something “better” and female friendlier. Slow porn looks nice but does not have the same Mac Donalds effect that most of us are after, now does it?

“Garden of earthly delighty” by Hieronymus Bosch (1450 – 1516)

Generally I don’t mind that there is pornography, but I am starting to wonder if this abundance of and easy access to porn is doing our sexual development and (s)expectations any good. Our children grow up with it. They see pornography before having their first sexual experiences. Pornography molds and pressurises them before they can discover for and by themselves what they really like and what not. The sensation of the body changing during puberty, the curiosity of touching someone else’s skin, the anticipation of a kiss, being intimate with another person, all of that gets clouded by cock sucking, ass fucking, SM, gang bang and cumming on the face images. I am not saying these are unsual or wrong sexual practices, by all means. But I don’t think young people should have these images shoved up their throats. In our society people – especially young girls – grow up thinking it is more important to be sexy than congenial. The average teenage girl selfie is a good example, google some and you’ll understand what I mean. Young men need to have big dicks, be cool and everlasting fucking machines. The media makes sex extremely important and kills the fun of it at the same time.

Art by Terry Rodgers

Art by Terry Rodgers

But maybe we should feel more sorry for ourselves, the grown ups, the older generation. Those youngsters won’t know any better. We on the other hand seem sexually lost. We struggle with socially/religiously enforced ideals like monogamy, sexual fidelity and marriage for life which most of us can’t realize because it’s simply not how we function and it is not really making us happy – when we allow ourselves to admit it. We either live serial monogamy, trying to find one “true love” after another rather than looking for a companion with whom we can build a stable basis for a family, a life together, in which we do not claim one another and leave some space for the instinctive being in us that from time to time just wants to have sex with someone else. Or we have furtive affairs and sexual escapades to fulfil our secret (= basic, really) desires or escape our every day boring lives.

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All of this we try to find on the internet, where we go through profiles with sexy selfies and judge the content before even having seen, smelled, heared, sensed these people in person, and end up being disappointed because most of the time the intellectual selection of a partner or hook up does not work for the animal in us. We struggle with the same media: how to look hot, the ten best sex positions, how to deep throat perfectly so that he asks you to marry him, multiple orgams, squirting, always being in the mood, have erections that last for hours, bisexuality as a trend (but not for men because that is gay!), sex toys, lust pills and creams that promise the world, etc. And what happenens: we buy the newest toys, lust pills and creams and are disappointed because we still don’t have ten orgasms, soak the sheets, get horny or keep an erection longer than 20 minutes. During real sexual encounters men can’t keep it up because women are not going hardcore on their dicks like the women do on youporn and vice versa: she does the whole repertoire like a good, sexy, horny girl should when all he wants is to be intimate with her, take their time and actuall feel something. We end up sitting in front of our PC’s again or staring on our mobiles watching porn and being bored, unhappy and frustrated after all.

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I just find all of this… sad. I feel sad for myself “suffering” from lack of lust like so many women of my age do. But mostly I feel very sad for my daughter, who will grow up in this brave, new, sexy(less) world. I wonder what it would be like if there only would be a copy of the Kamasutra on our parents’ bookshelf again (I would add a book on biology, sexual anatomy and Treue ist auch keine Lösung, translate: fidelity is also no solution, by Lisa Fischbach and Holger Lendt, which I think EVERY ONE should read btw!). Maybe there’s a copy of a naughty magazine hidden under a mattress or in a drawer. Everything else would be found out by our natural sex driven selves again, like in the “old” days.

Am I getting old? Maybe. I do sound like it. But… there is some truth in it, or?

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“O wonder!
How many godly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world,
That has such people in’t.”

William Shakespeare, The Tempest, Act V, Scene I, ll. 203–206

Women want photographs of male nudes that get their fantasies started

One of the models on this blog, Geoff, has sent me an article about what heterosexual women want from erotic male nude photography that is worth reading. It dates from 1995, but I think nothing has changed when it comes to what women like. Women enjoy photography of the male body, (erect) penis included, but they want to have the impression that the model’s lust is real. They want to look at the photo and get inspired to fantasize, have the sensation that his lust is there because of them.

Please read!

“Recently Cupido (a Norwegian erotic magazine) went on a campaign to make the magazine more
responsive to the tastes and appetites of its heterosexual women
readers. What did these women want from erotic photographs of men?
Discussions among the staff gave some insight about what these
particular women liked and disliked about various photographs, but
when it came to the public at large, Cupido staffers realized that
they knew very little about what the details of what women wanted.
They decided to take the direct approach: When in doubt, ask.

In late 1994, the magazine printed 17 sexy photos of men, taken by
male and female photographers from the U.S., Denmark, France, the
Netherlands, England, and Spain. Cupido asked its women readers to
pick their favorite photos, to comment on what made particular photos
sexy for them, even to editorialize on how the individual photos could
be better than they were. The basic question was: “What do you demand
from a good erotic photo of a man?”

“Cupido’s women are strict and demanding in their criteria,” publisher
Terje Gammelsrud says of the responses received from women aged 17 to
53, “but their judgment is surprisingly unanimous.” First and
foremost, he notes, the women say “the men should be turned on, thank
you very much! It is decisive that the women believe in the man’s
excitement and that they feel he enjoys being turned on.” Women want
“horny men with radiance and presence,” Terje proclaims. “Male pin-ups
who have nothing but a beautiful body to show off are considered a
turn-off. Not even an erect penis can save the situation if all he
does is give you the impression that he has no other thought in his
head than the model fee.”

“The man in the picture is more than allowed to fondle his own body or
masturbate,” Terje continues. As one woman respondent puts it, “I very
much like watching a man fondle himself, a man who has allowed himself
to enter the sexual room completely.” While “none of the women want
the man to be feminine, and some stress that they do not like photos
where he looks like a gay stereotype,” Terje notes with a smile that
women “do not at all mind homoerotic photos where two men are engaged
in sensual or sexual activities with each other — quite the
contrary!”

Interestingly, only a minority of the women mention the man’s body
itself as important in experiencing a photo as erotic. Many more were
concerned with the man’s face, his eyes, his emotional expression.
“The face is decisive for women to determine the man’s personality,”
Terje notes. Thus, one woman writes specifically that “the model
should express lust, have a dangerous gleam in his eyes, or be teasing
and vital, but there should always be a feeling of closeness and
tenderness.”

Women also like when the photos stimulate a sense of being a voyeur,
“the feeling that she risks being caught in the act of looking at
him.”

Of the women who did focus on the men’s bodies, most liked men who
were “muscular and well-equipped,” but they also wanted men who felt
“natural,” who looked like “an everyman.” As for significant body
parts, Terje laughs that “there is no doubt that women appreciate
looking at the male member. To many it is important that this is shown
in the photo. And there is an almost unanimous demand that if a penis
is shown at all, it should be erect!” For the record, “very few of the
women mention penis size at all.”

As to other parts of the model’s bodies, Terje says that “Cupido’s
poll does not permit the slightest doubt that his ass is a safe
bestseller! But his chest, as well as his stomach, thighs, neck, and
hands, can all turn women on.”

Terje believes that “women are often searching for photographs that
get their fantasies started, photos about which the women can ask,
‘Where is he going? Where has he been? Who is he? Where is he? What
will he do next?'”

All in all, says Terje, “our female readers demand photos of men who
are aroused by them (the female readers), and ready to seduce or be
seduced by them. Our readers will not be bluffed. They will not be
impressed by a man’s erection if he does not convince them, through
his facial expression and personality, that his passion is real and
sincere. We want photos of men bursting with heterosexual passion, if
we can put things that way.”

You can read the whole text here.

I agree with most of the article. Personally I find it important that there is something left for my imagination. If the guy on the picture already has a full erection and is masturbating, I find it kind of boring because I do not have to create a story in my head anymore as to how he got to that point, like by me for instance. I do not play a role in his lust. Therefore I prefer the male model to suggest he is in the mood or that I could seduce him, that he is excited but not fully erect yet, that his erection is covered by a sheet of his pants or that I can sense that he masturbating but I can’t directly see it. This way I can start wondering what is about to come, what he looks like, how he might feel when I touch him, how much harder his penis might get. That excites me!

Suggestion is more powerful for the imagination than complete revelation.

lecker