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The german translation of this guidebook for heterosexual relationships by Allan and Barbara Pease is lying next to me on my desk. I borrowed it from the shop, because this is one book I do not want to own. I refuse to actively sell it to any one either. Well, maybe I would to an extremely unfriendly customer…
The title already promisses nothing good, or? Now let me share some quotes with you, so you get a better impression of how men and women can finally be happy together, despite their huge differences.
Sidenote: since I am neither a native german or english speaker, my translations may not be perfect.
At the back of the cover it says:
“The biggest difference between the sexes concerns sex and love.”
Does it really?
Let’s open the book:
“Men think constantly of sex, women yearn for love – that’s the sober truth.”
Aha… Hmm, what is wrong with me…
What women want:
“Women want men with resources. And, very important: a woman feels attracted to men, who will share their resources with them and their children.”
According to research by Pollet and Nettle (they questioned 1534 chinese women who have a partner about their love life and income) the orgasm-rate increases when they have a partner with a good income. By climaxing regularly women signal sexual satisfaction. Because of that they hardly feel the need to look for sex with other men. That way they make their partner invest in them and the children.
It’s all simply biology.
The five most import things that women desire from men:
1. Love
2. Faithfulness
3. Friendliness
4. Reliabilty
5. Education and intelligence
Hmm, what is missing here… Sex maybe?
Love rule nr. 17 for men:
“When your partner’s cat has died, show that you are sorry and fake grief, even if you were the one setting the animal on fire and throwing it into the ventilater.”
I swear I did not make this up!
What men really want: this chapter starts with a drawing of the ideal woman. You see a female body that only exists of breast – with an arrow and a note that you can put your beer on top – and everything underneath.
“For most men relationships have nothing romantic to it. They get into relationships because of what women have to offer.”
Men only want four things from women:
1. Sex
2. Vital services (cooking, cleaning, mothering, etc.)
3. Being loved and to come first
4. Time for himself without being disturbed
Love rule nr. 153 for women should not surprise you:
“What ever you have to say, say it during the commercial break.”
Love rule nr. 43 for women:
“On most of his questions a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ fully suffices”.
Want me to continue? Okay, one more quote.
Here the authors talk about men and telling lies. For instance, they sketch a situation where the man looks at another woman’s breasts and denies it.
“When it comes to sex men very much want to tell women the truth, but women can’t handle the truth.”
Eventhough men and women are so different, we do not have be a slave of our biology. Men do not have to follow their instinctive urge to have sex with many women. Women do not need to spend their life criticizing men for their lack of engagement in relationships. We can navigate our behaviour and change it by making conscious decisions.
Men should be more loving, helpful and friendly to women and bring them presents to show their love. Women should emphasize their loyalty, do not show too much skin and take care of their appearance if she wants to improve her worth.
Maybe I have missed the part where the authors explain that they are just kidding and that the reader should not take anything they write seriously. If I did, please let me know! Until then, just let me say this:
Of course we are different. Of course we can mutually annoy each other with ‘typical’ male or female behaviour. Of course it can be difficult to live together. But aren’t these differences also part of the attraction? And: don’t we maybe have a lot more in common than society, the media and so-called experts like us to think? Shouldn’t we look at what we have in common and build on that, in stead of focussing on stereotypical statements that date from pre-Freudian times?
Boy, am I going to be happy getting this book out of my apartment and bringing it back to the shelves. Hopefully it will remain there until the end of time.
Just go for a walk through town and look at the advertisements on billboards, in bus stops, anywhere. Count how often you see a picture of an almost naked man, and compare it with the ammount of advertisements with images of half naked women. If you even you see one, isn’t the image of the male body less explicit or partially hidden?
Now switch on the TV and zap a bit: almost or totally naked women are common to see, even in commercials. You get time to watch them too. The man’s naked body on the other hand, if you are lucky to spot one, is usually limited to everything above the waist. If his ass is shown, you maybe have a full second (woah!) to look at it. And legs are not shown that often either. Not to mention the cock of course. In computer games it is the same story.
Let’s take a love scene from any regular movie: how often isn’t there a bed sheet lying over the male’s buttocks, while the woman’s breasts, ass and vagina are shown without any covering? In the article ‘Male frontal nudity in the movies uncovers an old debate’ in USA Today, the writers say: “While penises are not yet as prevalent as female breasts, they are becoming more accepted”. They mention a couple of movies in which the male actor is seen naked. I dare say the quantity of those scenes is a lot less though in comparison with naked female scenes. And the time you get to watch and admire the actor’s body, is less too. So unfair, don’t you think?
In my opinion, our male-dominated society is the main reason why naked men are hardly shown ‘out in the open’. In general, people seem to think the male body is shocking and pornographic. The female body on the other hand, is considered to be more aesthetic, sensual and elegant. It is a matter of what we are used to: for centuries and centuries, women were described, painted, sculptured, and later photographed and filmed, mostly by male artists. Before the 20th century, female artists had a very hard time to get accepted and acknowledged. If they would have had equal chances back then, we probably would have seen the (naked) man as a subject in art a lot more. But even today, the explicit naked male body in art or film is seen as unconventional and provocative. Not to mention that there are quite some men who perceive it to be gay or a sign of weakness for a man to expose himself naked. Imagine: there are countries, also in Western society, where it is forbidden by law to show a fully erect cock on TV. Tits and pussies are perfectly normal though. Of course, the film industry is also dominated by men. No surprise here.
I sometimes catch myself thinking that by keeping their pants on, men subconsciously try to keep women under their thumb. It is a fact that women are not given equal chances, job positions or wages. We try to catch up though. Maybe that’s why men don’t show their sexy goodies, like they are saying: ‘you can get my job and maybe, someday, even receive the same payment for it, but you won’t get my cock.’
If we want this to change, we women have to be a lot more straightforward about our sexuality and what we want than we are today. Because no matter what people claim about the positive development of female sexuality and emancipation in the last couple of decades, people generally still think in the old fashioned way: a woman is not supposed to be sexually agressive or take initiative, because that makes her a whore. Women do not like porn, women do not masturbate, women do not fart or belch, etc., etc. Bla, bla, bla.
So let us finish what we have started, right here and now, and say: we want to see more naked men! On billboards, in movies, on TV, in commercials, in games, in magazines, everywhere. Men have beautiful, erotic bodies that appeal to us, fascinate us and turn us on. You get to see us; now we want our fair share!
On the 27th of March, the German-French TV channel ‘ARTE’ broadcasted a Danish production about women and pornography, “Die Pornografinnen“. The porn business has been controlled by men, and focussed on their desires, for many years. Nowadays, more and more women start to get active in this field, producing porn movies and magazines, creating pornographic art and writing pornographic literature, not only to express their sexual fantasies and desires, c.q. showing pornography from a female perspective, but also to show we women can handle and like pornography just as well as men.
In this documentary, various women who are active in the world of porn, like producers, actresses and publishers, are being interviewed. Two women, Elke Kuhlen and Nicole Rüdiger, are the publishers of a German porn magazine for girls called Jungsheft, Porno fuer Maedchen. My curiosity was triggered, so I ordered a copy to see what it is all about.
The magazine looks very stylish and contains fun and interesting articles about various topics, interviews, columns and of course photos of ‘Lecker Jungs’, meaning ‘jummy guys’: naked, with and without erection. Because erections are shown, according to German law the magazine has to be called a porn magazine for 18+. In my opinion though, the pictures are quite innocent. Yes, you see an erect penis, but nothing more: no pictures of men ejaculating or having sex. Therefore, the photos are not sexually stimulating, at least not to me.
What I like about the images, is that they show different types of regular guys; attractive, but not crazy muscular or with huge cocks. He could be the guy next door, someone you meet when you go out, or a colleague from work you have a crush on. They look natural, which make the photos look honest and real. And very important: the photos do not have an obvious homosexual air to them, although I am pretty sure the guys being portrayed can also be attractive to look at for gay men.
I think this magazine is perfect for girls/young women who want to see normal, honest pictures of naked guys, and who want to read about topics like sex toys or sexual prejudices/misunderstandings, that unfortunately are still present in our society. I would definitely give it to my daughter to read! So thumbs up ladies in Germany!
Ofcourse there is also a version for guys called “Giddyheft, Porno fuer Jungs”.
If I would have to say something about this book in only one sentence, it would be ‘refreshing, funny and a bit disgusting, with a disappointing ending’.
The protagonist of Charlotte Roche’s first novel ‘Feuchtgebiete‘, which could be translated into moist, soft, or sweaty parts/areas, is an 18 year old girl called Helen, who is in the hospital waiting for an operation. The story is written from her perspective, showing the reader her every thought on many aspects in a (young) women’s life.
At first I was very enthusiastic about this book; the way Roche is handling topics like sexuality, the female body, society’s obsession with hygiene and the way it dictates our appearances, is honest, funny and refreshing. Helen’s sexual experiences and how the author is describing them, actually reminded me of novels written by Dutch male authors from the fifties/sixties/seventies, like Jan Wolkers, Remco Campert and Jan Cremer; it’s open, naughty (or dirty if you like), and somehow raw and manly, like from a male’s point of view. I like it, especially because it shows the reader that female sexuality, essentially, is not about candlelight dinner and romantic chit chat. Helen is a horny girl who goes straight after what and who she wants, who masturbates whenever she feels like it, exploring new sexual possibilities, and most importantly: who is not ashamed of it. She is proud of how she handles herself sexually, which makes her a good role model for girls and women in our current society.
The disappointment concerning this book is the second story that is woven into it: the story of Helen’s divorced parents, who she wants to bring back together at almost all costs. To me it seems like an attempt to give the novel more depth; maybe to provide a psychological explanation for Helen’s sexual behaviour, or to give the book the ‘feel’ of literature. It does not work though. It probably would have if the author had gone deeper, explaining more about what has happened between the parents and the consequences of their actions on Helen’s upbringing and psychological development. Now this part of the novel is floating on the surface, leaving the reader with a lose end. That, in my opinion, also explains the poor ending of the book. It feels like Roche had no clue anymore and just wrote something to get it over with. She either should have written more about Helen’s background or leave the whole family story out, concentrating mainly on Helen as a young woman dealing with the (sexual) taboos of modern society, the second option being my preference.
Promoting a sex shop may seem a bit off topic, but actually it is not. Not in this case. The shop I want to introduce to you, is completely focussed on female sexuality: what she wants, what she desires, what pleases her. It is a shop with a philosophy, and therefore it fits to the purpose of this blog.
I have not been in many sex shops. Most of them make a grubby impression on me and seem to be meant for obscure male customers in filthy raincoats only. In my home town The Hague, Christine Le Duc is a well-known sex shop with a more friendly appearance. But I still consider it a man-orientated and cheap-ish shop. In Vienna there are a few alternatives that have a nice atmosphere. You would not be too embarrassed bumping into a friend or colleague there. But the shop I have discovered a few weeks ago, is nothing I have seen before, and in my opinion the best place to go to and have your (first) sexy shopping experience.
Liebenswert, meaning something like ‘lovable’ or ‘love worthy’, is an erotics shop for women and those who love women. The shop is situated in a side street of the Mariahilferstraße, one of Vienna’s bigger shopping streets, and offers not only a broad collection of tasteful lingery, (design) sex toys, special oils and other pleasure products that can make our sex lives more interesting and intense, but also thorough and professional consultation, workshops and exhibitions. It is a place I could hang around for hours, feeling completely comfortable with the dozens of dildo’s and vibrators around me, and spend a lot of money too.
The best part about Liebenswert is the philosophy behind it: the importance of an enjoyable and pleasurable sex life. Good sex improves the quality of our lives, in every aspect. What makes me even more enthusiastic though, is the fact that the shop focusses on women. The whole sex industry, from sex shops to clubs to porn, is mostly based on the needs and desires of men. Since the nineties women are starting to take their rightful place in this territory, slowly moving things in a more equal and pleasurable direction for both sexes. Liebenswert is the perfect example for this positive and necessary development.
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